|
EverQuest as Birth Control??
FDA Approves EverQuest for Birth Control
Use
WASHINGTON, DC - Officials at the Food and Drug
Administration announced early Tuesday that they have recently approved the computer game EverQuest as a viable form
of contraception. Sony later revealed plans to donate computers and copies of the game to members of the white trash segment
of America.
It has long been known by experts that TSR's Dungeons & Dragons
was one of the most effective methods of birth control ever devised, but it's limitations were soon discovered in the mid-'80s
when it was found to have little effect on females. Recent evidence, however, has suggested that EverQuest might be
the bridge between fantasy-based birth control and gender.
"We have conclusive evidence that shows that the more someone plays EverQuest,
the less likely it is that they are having sex," said Kurt Otterson, a statistical analyst with Sony. "Sony recognizes the
problems caused by the inconvenience of an undesired child, and the life that a child born into such conditions will have
to suffer through. Wouldn't it be better to avoid bringign that child into this world to begin with?"
Birth control usage among persons who classify as white trash is the lowest
in the country, say experts, which is why the FDA approval comes as welcome news.
"Traditional birth control methods, such as condoms or the pill, do not
have the advantage of offering complete protection," explained Otterson. "The most tried and true method of complete birth
control is abstinence, but with dead-end jobs, a complete lack of personal hygiene and an addiction to fast food, members
of the white trash population have nothing better to do than get it on."
EverQuest, commonly refered to as "Evercrack" by its fans, is a
real-time massively-multiplayer online RPG that sets the player in a virtual world that never sleeps. Several gamers have
reportedly set up portable toilets in front of their computers and played for hours sans pants. The amount of virtual
currency that changes hands in the game in one day surpasses the GDP of most Third World nations. With many quests that are
specific to a certain time, hundreds of gamers have camped out for days for a chance to get powerful items such as that "really
cool sword that glows," and the "robe you can wear to become invisible."
EverQuest is unique as far as contraceptives go in that there is
never any choice involved; the opportunity to have sex never arises among avid players. "People already spend so much time
online, and since the game never ends, the potential for the gamer to stay online indefinitely is tremendous," Otterson said.
He cited the example of Odessa Twiford, a 19-year old single mother of
two young epileptic children from Arkansas. "Odessa's life was spiralling into a state where she would have been chronically
pregnant for the next 30 years," he said. "It is quite obvious by looking at her ramshackle house, her state of constant unemployment
and her inability to prepare a meal more complex than uncooked Kraft Dinner, that she is completely unfit to be the mother
of any children, nevermind children with a disability caused by her crack addiction."
"Once we introduced EverQuest into her life, she was immediately
hooked and stopped having sex with all 14 of her partners," Otterson told reporters, "and we expect that as long as she's
given state-funded Internet access until she hits menopause, it's quite likely that she'll never reproduce again."
Plans to release a game patch adding a mating feature into EverQuest,
where two or more characters could bump into each other for a few minutes and spawn a new, computer-controlled character,
were scrapped by Sony after the FDA announcement.
"We felt that if there was sex in the game, it would defeat the purpose
of keeping our players' minds off sex in the real world," said Otterson.
Anime is on its way!
By: Dave's Wagon
Thanks to the miracle of the internet, The Lounge Executive has been able to contact anime artists who have agreed
to transform The Lounge Crew into anime characters! What does this mean? This could lead to a comic strip, flash
movie, or just about anything starring The Lounge Crew's anime equivilants. Stay tuned for more updates.
A Hunting We Will Go!
By: The DD Executive
Lately we've been doing something new after school. We listened to our hormonal urge to kill and decided it would
be friggen' awesome to go hunting. Our usual hunting spot is behind Mike's house and usually the hunters are Tyler,
Mike, Brett, Danny, Alex, The Lounge Exec., and me. Although Erin came once, and Dan J. stopped by before work. To us,
anything is fair game if it's not a person (well most of the time), or a pet. We are awesome hunters - bagging at least
two animals evertime we go. Our list, as of 5.24.2002, is as follows:
Birds-2
Chipmunks-4
Snakes-1
Racoons-1
Tylers-1
Big In Japan!
By: The Lounge Executive
|
|
| If only I had my leaf blower... |
Aaaahhh yeah!!! Back for the land of the rising sun. It was friggin' awesome.
There was some super technology like picture taking cell phones, and some kick arse arcade games. There were a whole
lot of hizhotties and all of 'em like the fro! It was paradise. The food was Oishi! Octupuss, squid, tuna,
all raw and all friggin' awesome. I picked up the new Ayumi album at that shiz is the MAD notes. She's got an
awesome band behind that can really wail on the guitar. And the album cover doesn't hurt either. All in all, I
rate Japan a 10 out of 10 on the scale of total sweetness. So get the hiznell over there...now!
Boner-Boy strikes back
By: The DD Exectutive
Above-This is our locker room's shower. No Boonnggg!
My friend Brett told me this story, if you don't think it is true you you have no purpose in life. The story
goes like this: Brett's first block gym class has to share the locker-room with the freshmen class, because thier class is
at the same time. They also have to share the showers. While showering after a particularly difficult day, a boy, who shall
remain nameless, got an erection. Anywhere else you get a boner is fine, but please don't get wood standing with a bunch of
naked guys. After giving this boy a hard time, he was branded forever with the name Boner-Boy. Now I can see getting
a boner once, but can you guess what happened the next week? You guessed it, his shalami got hard again. Why?! Two times!
Is this gay? Maybe. Does he just like two have erotic fantasies in the shower? Maybe. At first I didn't know who BB was, because I simply
heard the story I didn't actually witnesse this phenomenon, but while leaving english the other day, Mike(a witness)
pointed at a boy and yelled "Hey! That's the Kid!" It was the rascal all right! I soon yelled "Yo everyone! Its Boner-Boy!"
So, while he may never see an end to our taunts and jeers, hopefully we see an end to his erected penis.
The Next Big Tymer?
By: The DD Executive
All you fools can have your fancy-pants big name rappers, but I'll stick with the hometown hero, Bubba "Watch
Yoself" McWilliams. Bubba was born in 1986, and by the time he was five he had already been offered a record deal from Cash
Money.
"At first I was like, 'hey I must be good if Cash Money wants me'," recalls McWilliams, "but then I thought,
'I better wait, and see how many other offers I get',"
He got none. So in the Spring of 1999 Bubba axed his bro Nick Fitch for help.
"Bubba came to me that day in tears," remebers Fitch, "He had lost all hope in the music business, and axed me
if I wanted to start a record company with him."
In October 1999, Pizza Burger Records was formed, and it stands today as the top Gansta Rap/Hip Hop record company
in the midwest. I axed Bubba as he passes on the street the other day, "Hey Bubba what can you tell me about about your new
album 'Ghetto Platinum Snowmobile'?"
I was surprised to see Bubba put his hand over my camera lens and say,"Please, no pictures."
Looks like the fame finally went to our hometown hero's head.
Walter?
By: The DD Executive
Yesterday, while I was sitting in band doing a report on Led Zeppelin, I became really bored, so I decided to
look up some stuff on Bruce. I came upon a page titled "The Bruce Willis Tribute Page." First, these guys who made this tribute
obviously stole the idea from us. Second, I found some startling information about Bruce. Bruce's real name is Walter Bruce
Willis. Walter? That's not nearly as cool as Bruce, but I guess I shouldn't complain about someone as friggin' sweet as BRUCE!
HEART ATTACK!
By: The DD Executive
I sit by this totally hot girl in band...BONNGG!! Yeah right. This girl is so friggin' gross that every time
I see her my Wang sucks into my body. No, seriously, it does. And another time I was sitting on the steps and she collapses.
God, it was hilarious! I went up to her and started kicking her head ,but she didn't move. Later she got up and was all like
"NAAA! I, I, I, th, th, think that I'm ha, ha, having wa, wa, warning signs of a heart attack."
Yeah Right! What a loser. Why would you fake a heart attack? Attention? Maybe. But is probably because she has
to give it to her brother every night. BONNGG!!
Real Ultimate E-Mail
By: The Lounge Executive
So I was sitting down to update some stuff on the site and check my e-mail. In my inbox was a letter from
Dave Owens who appears to be one of the creators of http://www.realultimatepower.net(check it out sometime) and when I read it I got totally pumped.
It reads:
Well buddy you tried and i'll give you credit for that but you need not
even bother, REALULTIMATEPOWER.NET is the greatest web page ever made you just can't beat it, continue to view the greatest
page of all time and have fun but dude, don't attemp to copy the masters from UCLA
PS if you get in a real jam there is always Seppuku!
A Really Huge Ninja With A Gigantic Boner
It was really hard to believe at first but no one else was that totally sweet (besides Bruce) could of written
that letter. Although it seems a little critcal, you just have to rember that this guy made realultimatepower.net.
Thats enough to give anyone a huge boner.
|
